• 11:23 PM, Saturday, January 21, 2012

I didn't sign up for this.

Why is there a ticking landmine lying in wait with every corner I turn?
Now I've been made aware of the reasons I never thought had existed.

That this thing could be explained.

That it ain't arbitrary thoughts painting my inner workings a bloody red with suicide every day. That there's a logical pattern behind every action, that I'm more than queer inside out.

My head hurts.

I think my bro caught me as I wiped off remnants of tear streaks. We chatted till 5 in the morning last night, that's probably why my head hurts and my mind seems to be dying just that bit faster today.

What a horrible conclusion. What a befitting summary.
So, was it all erroneous in the end? Sugarcoated untruths?

I don't want, nor need to type that I'm basically a living lie because it's reverberating from the depths of my soul. And yet I want to make a difference.

And yet I find solace in that I'm idiosyncratic, or just raging mad.

And I turn a blind eye that without all this crap,
I'd have succeeded, achieved my childhood ambition.

But it's nerve-wracking.

I don't know, will never know, if this is what's fuelling what I mark as moments of insanity that bring me epiphanies upon epiphanies, like my dirty little secret except it's not really dirty at all.

If it happens to be,
then wouldn't I be lost once it's gone?

It's me, it's all that embodies me and my excuse of a barely-there existence.
(There's this little sadistic voice that enjoys all this sickening drama.)

Y'knw how love and hate are conflicting emotions and couldn't quite possibly exist in the same universe in the exact same time verse? They're carbon copies, they go hand in hand and complement each other to a disgusting degree in this foreign land I'm running on.

Rampage.

I'm about to embark on an epic rampage.
Beyond beyond beyond beyond

So far off you can't catch a wisp of hair.

You taunt, "It wasn't them, it was you all along."
I fall to my knees and throw gravel upon your face.

Naru?

I need you to reign me in.
Listen to my wants, my needs.

Exist, obey, laugh for me.
Solely for me. Me me me.

It's the only way this'll ever work.
The one solution with encompassing arms.

Where are you? Where the hell are you?
Don't do this, everything's distorted.

My head's pounding and you're not here.
My eyes are bloodshot and you're not here.

My veins are pulsing, and I don't feel you anywhere.
You're life, I need to breath life, I'm wilting.

All hunched over, an insignificant ball.

Disappears with a pop.
And pop it goes.

You're still not here.
I'm still insignificant.

I'm sorry I lied, it never went pop.

Ubiquitous, I'm turning ubiquitous, my atoms are dispersing, through the oxygen and carbon dioxide and nitrogen and unrelated gases that make up a ridiculously low percentage that shouldn't matter (but somehow it does, why?) and I've never been here.

Just like you.

Just like you, Naru.
We're worlds apart.

But, I've never been here just like you.